My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
