Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
