Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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