A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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