just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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