this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
