Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
