i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
