I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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