The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
