Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
