so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
