That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
