I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
