Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Randomize
