I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
be right there i have to get my cape
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
how does that bad decision feel?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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