Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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