He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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