I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
