i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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