i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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