I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
