I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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