Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
