it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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