You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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