The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
