i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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