and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
