I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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