I wish I could teleport
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
