I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
