The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
