YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
