If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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