Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
