Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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