Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
