Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
