If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
