i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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