and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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