just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
