I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize