Kareoke will never be a sober sport
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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