Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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