he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
