i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
