the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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