Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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