Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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