Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
