just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
