Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
