Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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