Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
