nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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