The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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