I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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