Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
